Body Confidence, I gots some!

I’ve noticed a lot of my friends, all who I think are beautiful both inside and out, are getting very down on themselves lately. Some of them are having a difficult time with problems in their personal lives and I hope that they can realise their confidence is taking a knock because of that. These girls helped me to gain my own confidence back and it saddens me to think that they can’t do the same for themselves. I posted around a month ago about how unhappy I was with both my appearance and figure, how in neglecting myself for a few months I had become massively unhappy with how I looked. I vowed to change that, not necessarily by changing how I looked but in spending time working on myself, realising what I love about myself and accepting the things I couldn’t change. So, that’s what I did.

I joined the gym and I started to go to a few classes a week, not only with the aim of getting fitter in my body but to help to keep me occupied, to stop me from over thinking silly things and getting down about them. I have lost 3 inches off my waist and a few pounds and of course I am happy with that but more than anything I am happy with the dramatic change in my confidence. Of course I wanted to tone up and the results are brilliant but the change in how I view myself, in how eager I am to eat right, to drink enough fluids and to make sure my body gets all of the nutrition it needs is probably the biggest change. I had such a terrible time for a while and the thought of getting back there scares me, it isn’t an option and by looking after myself I am ensuring that I never get that far again.

With the boost in my confidence I have also noticed a huge jump up in my happiness, in my ability to not care what people think of me. Over the last two weeks I have been called ugly, disgusting and told I look better without my ridiculous piercings. The comments hurt me, of course they did, but more because they came from people I cared about and thought felt the same way about me. I thought they were my friends but I can’t comprehend why anyone would say that to a friend. I can only assume it is to do with me rejecting their advances, and I am not so self centered as to think this is the only reason, but hurt pride can make you do some mean things.

Getting back to my friends, I can’t believe the things they would say about themselves. They are so kind, friendly, helpful and welcoming. They didn’t know me and yet they still welcomed me in, helped where they could with my depression and made me feel like everything was going to get better. I know we can get caught up on how we look and believe me when I say I wouldn’t mind looking like them, but there is so much more to a person than that. If you have a beautiful heart, if you set out to help people rather than hurt them, then you are a beautiful person.

I’m going to do something now that terrifies me, something that I have thought about doing for a while but just haven’t gotten the nerve to go through with. The thing that has pushed me to make this decision is seeing how my friends feel about themselves. I have made no secret of the fact that I was terribly unhappy with how I looked, that bullying in school and some awful relationships crushed my confidence to nothing and I don’t share these things because I want attention. Honestly, I hate attention. I share them so people can relate, so they know they’re not on their own. Now I have chosen to share some photographs of myself, some pictures I have taken specifically for this post. I have hated the way I looked for so long but these days I really couldn’t care. Actually, these days I quite like how I look. Like anyone I have areas I don’t like, I will forever have ‘child bearing hips’ and a ‘buddah belly’ but I don’t notice them so much. I concentrate on what I do like; my legs for example. I think my legs are my favourite body part, I love them. I actually love them. My arms, I love them too. My waist, that’s another. I can’t say I’m not a little apprehensive about putting these pictures up, I’m not comfortable with the amount of people who see me on a regular basis thinking ‘I’ve seen how jiggly her belly is’ but then I know I am hard on myself. There are people whose figures I would kill for and I’m sure there are parts of my figure that people would love, too. It’s life, isn’t it? We always want what we don’t have.

So, here are my pictures. I’m not wearing any makeup, I’ve not brushed my hair properly and hell, I’m half naked. (I feel completely naked!) I only hope in posting them I can help at least one person realise that wherever you are, however low you feel and however much you hate your body, it isn’t the end of the story. I hated myself for so long, I wore baggy clothes and I starved myself for the perfect figure but not anymore. I’m still working on getting into better physical shape but that’s for my benefit, no one elses. I’m doing it because I enjoy it, not because I want to look a certain way. I am more shocked than anyone in what I am about to say but you know what? My figure… it’s not all bad is it?

(I’d like to ask people not to comment on this post, only because I can;t handle the bitchy comments about attention seeking from those who don’t like me. I’m feeling a little weak in that area lately.)

*These are as they were taken, no filters and stuff. I know. Scary*

Weight Wars – Too fat or too skinny?

I saw a tweet the other day that really struck a chord with me, it was Gemma Collins from The Only Way is Essex and she was standing in the doorway, presumably of her own plus size shop, holding a sign that said “If you’re thin, you’re not coming in.” Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t Gemma Collins famous for having dieted in the bid to ‘get skinny’, gained weight and claimed to be ‘comfortable in her own skin’, had various honest and open interviews in which she’s claimed she hates her weight and gone on some sort of diet and fitness régime only to stop once more and gain weight, promoting curves and body confidence? She is a classic yo-yo dieter and while I wish her luck in her business venture, I can’t help but be a little cynical. It seems obvious to me that Gemma isn’t happy with herself, she doesn’t like her figure and sure enough she’ll go through another phase of wanting to be thin.

Gemma and her yo-yo dieting isn’t my issue here, however. My issue is with the sign she was holding. If you’re thin, you’re not getting in. So, what she’s saying here is that she is excluding thin people from entering her shop. What would happen if a thin person were to stand in their shop holding a sign that says ‘Overweight? Chubby? You’re not welcome.” I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be taken lightly, there would be an outrage. Why is it acceptable for a larger girl to insult a thin girl but not the other way round? I’m sure there wasn’t any harm meant in her holding that sign, it was more than likely a tongue in cheek, light hearted bit of comedy in aid of promoting her business but surely Gemma is aware that she is a role model, that a lot of girls look to her as an example and that by excluding certain people she is creating a negative association with them. She is sending a message that says she doesn’t accept thin people, she tries to promote body confidence and she’s more than happy to tell curvy girls to be confident and to love their bodies but apparently the same doesn’t apply for thin girls.

This incident with Gemma Collins isn’t the first time I’ve seen this attitude either, I see many examples of people celebrating curves and plus size women, which is wonderful, but it seems almost neagitive towards the slimmer of us. Then there are the magazines whose pages are filled with celebrities who are ‘too skinny’ or have gained weight. Sometimes they’re put in a negative light, sometimes a positive. It’s hardly any surprise that women are confused as to how they feel about themselves, after all if the messages they are being sent are so confusing then their minds are bound to be equally confused.

Fat people hate skinny people, skinny people hate fat people, people judge female body builders for being too muscly and ‘manly’… it seems like it is a no win situation.  I’ve got a suggestion. How about we stop focusing on peoples weight, if they’re ‘fat’ or ‘skinny’ and we concentrate on the more important things. Are they enjoyable to be around? Do you have things in common? Do they inspire you in their work or actions? The world is so focused on what people look like and it distracts us from getting to know anyone on a less superficial level unless we have to. So many people dismiss someone for being ‘unattractive’ or out of shape. There is so much more to a person than this, if they are kind and loving, funny and attentive yet we don’t give them a chance because of how they look then we’re risking sacrificing something wonderful. I’m talking not only in relation to having a relationship but also with friends, work colleagues and acquaintances.

In my personal experience being overweight isn’t something I’m bothered about. What bothers me is a person who is unhappy with their weight but instead of making the changes they need to they are content to be stuck in their ways, eating the wrong foods and avoiding exercise, whilst still complaining. Losing weight isn’t a difficult concept, you take in less calories than you burn off. Want to stay at a stable weight? Work off as much as you eat. But if you’re lazy and unmotivated then that is when you become unattractive. If you are insecure about it, then do something about it. If you’re not insecure, if you’re happy in your skin and you love yourself then show it. But don’t judge another person for being a different body type than you.

Some people are naturally skinny and they try their hardest to gain weight. I know myself from when I lost weigh that people will quickly jump to the conclusion that you’re starving yourself or that you’re anorexic. Why is it that skinny people can’t just be skinny? Yes, there are people out there who starve themselves and suffer with terrible eating disorders and I wish this was something that could be stopped, that so much could be done for championing body confidence that people no longer feel the need to do it. But not everyone skinny is anorexic, just like not every curvy girl is overeating and lazy. You can’t judge a book by its cover, remember? You can’t judge a person by their weight, so let’s stop that too.

 

I have to work hard to get in shape, I have to eat right and I have to workout hard but I feel good about doing it and I want to love my body regardless of what shape it is in, I just know I feel better when I jiggle less. Some people can eat mountains of food and not gain a pound, some can have a few bad meals a week and gain a couple of pounds; our metabolisms are different and that’s just life. We’d hate to be judged for out weight so why do we do it to other people? All you need to be is happy and confident. If you need to change something about yourself (in a healthy way) to feel that way then that’s ok too. Just because you want to change something doesn’t mean you can’t be confident with what you have while you’re getting there.

So, here’s to loving our bodies no matter what they’re like and here’s to not judging anyone else because of theirs. We need to stick together, to work through these demons and help each other out with this battle. We’re gorgeous, every single one of us. A beautiful soul makes a beautiful person and this is something we all need to remember. If we all have a little more confidence in ourselves and we share it with each other then maybe there is hope for our children, our childrens children and so on. Maybe in the future people won’t be so focused on body image. I really hope so. Without the worries of what we look like the world would be a happier, more enjoyable place to live in, no doubt about it.

Depression; more than just a mental illness.

It is commonly known that depression is a medical illness that causes a constant feeling of sadness and lack of interest and effects the way a person feels, thinks and behaves. It is known as a mental illness but what is not commonly know is that in actual fact, depression effects you not only mentally but physically too.

I’ve spoken openly about how depression made me think and feel, I’m not ashamed to talk about it because in speaking out I have helped people face their own demons, but I haven’t spoken a lot about how it has affected me physically when the physical symptoms are actually sometimes worse than the mental, they are frustrating and cause me to feel angry or upset which in turn makes the mental side of depression flare up; it’s a vicious circle.

The worst thing I have found with depression is the constant exhaustion, the inability to stay awake and alert for more than a few hours and the desperate need for a nap every day. Of course when I was suffering terribly with insomnia I wasn’t surprised that I was tired constantly but I started taking sleeping pills to break my unhealthy sleeping pattern and to get myself into a routine, I’m glad to say they worked. It’s 6am now and I should be asleep but this is a rare occasion these days, I normally sleep a lot later and this is without taking the sleeping pills, it took less than a week for me to get into a routine with them. I thought when I started sleeping better that I would be less tired but unfortunately that isn’t the case.  I was exhausted due to stress and depression, lack of sleep and a heavy work load but now I have none of those (or significantly less) and yet I still suffer with constant tiredness. I find it hard to function daily and if I get up at 9am then by 11am I need a nap before I go to work; it’s a physical burden that for now I have to bear.  I am on medication as you know and it could be that changing medication would help this and I really hope it does. It is having a massive impact on my life and currently I feel like giving up, I can’t live normally and that is terribly hard for me.  I used to take for granted the fact that I didn’t have a problem living day to day, in actual fact it isn’t something I used to even consider, but then why would I? It’s said that you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone and in the case of something as simple as having enough energy to get through the day, it certainly stands true for me.

Another thing I struggle with as a side effect of both depression and medication is changes in my weight, whether that is weight gain or loss.  I’ve spoken a lot about the weight I lost during my worst time with depression and I’m glad to say that I don’t have an issue with that anymore. Over the past few months I have gotten to a healthy place and I have gained back the weight and I managed to stabilise at where I was comfortable, where I felt my best.  Unfortunately I had to change the medication I was on and it was only when I increased my dosage a few weeks ago that I started to notice a dramatic increase in weight; I’m talking 2-3 pounds a week.  I was quick to blame myself for eating too much so I made the decision to eat better; I’d have porridge for breakfast, home made chilli full of vegetables and protein for lunch and home made vegetable or lentil soup for tea. When I continued to gain weight I again blamed myself, perhaps the portions I was having were too large? So I cut them down. However, my weight gain continued and I have gotten to a point where it is really having an impact on how I feel about myself.  I am trying so desperately to love who I am and how I look but it I am finding it increasingly difficult when those things are changing on such a regular basis.  I was happy at my stable weight but now that I am gradually getting heavier I am starting to love myself less.  I feel like I have lost control over my figure and no matter what I do, I am helpless to stop it.  I am more active than I have been in months and yet still my body refuses to stop clinging on to the calories in my food. I feel so low about it lately, I want so desperately to control it but I can’t. Sometimes I will tweet that I have eaten something in large amounts (I ate 24 Jaffa Cakes in one sitting, that’s horrendous but I had only had porridge up until that point) but I don’t eat like this regularly; 90% of the time I make healthy choices and I feel I am allowed to have something bad from time to time. (I know, the Jaffa Cakes incident was a little excessive.) By no means am I a person who eats to excess then complains about being fat; if I have a bad day then I balance it out with good days for the rest of the week. Even my bad days aren’t bad, I eat porridge, soup, chicken, fish and veg most days; I have a healthy attitude towards what and how I eat.

The biggest frustration I have is how much I want to exercise. As with my eating I don’t want to be that girl we all know, the girl who complains about their weight and does nothing about it. But when I can barely get through a day of sitting on the couch without falling asleep I find it extremely hard to get any exercise in at all. I need to save my energy for the important things I have to do like working and if I blow it on a morning run or yoga session then I will struggle to do even the simplest tasks in work.

I don’t want this to defeat me, I will speak to my doctor about changing my medication (again!) and hopefully it’ll work out, hopefully I can stop gaining weight and my dream of getting into shape won’t seem like it’s slipping through my fingers anymore.

So, those are the two main physical effects depression has on me right now, and the two go hand in hand, but there are also others I have suffered from time to time.  I went through phases of having terrible skin both on my face and the rest of my body; I had dry patches on my arms and legs and my face looked like I had just hit puberty. If I get ill then it tends to stay with me longer than it would anyone else; I’ve had a cold for the past three weeks that refuses to budge. I suffered for a while with general aches and pains like headaches, I had a lot of stomach problems like indigestion and acid reflux so bad I could eat only plain rice for a month, I have terrible anxiety that causes dizziness, a racing heart, tingling all over my body and these are just the physical problems I can remember. Don’t think you’re imagining these things if you’re struggling with them, they are happening and it is down to your body chemistry being confused and the effect the stress chemical has on you.

Depression is incredibly hard mentally but I think people tend to underestimate exactly how difficult it is physically; I believe that the physical symptoms make it so much harder to deal with because not only do you feel unbelievably low but on top of that you have problems that you feel make you unattractive and they are things you are sometimes helpless to stop. It is a cycle that is so hard to break because some of these physical effects can stay with you for a long time, like my tiredness, and it’s hard to see a way out.

Every night before I go to bed I commit myself to either going for a run or doing some yoga the following day and every morning I wake up feeling so lethargic that I have to give in to the fact that today will not be the day I start my exercise routine. Every day I feel that little bit more disappointed in myself that I can’t do it, that is seems something so easy and yet I can’t manage it. It makes me feel lazy and disgusting and I wish I could change it, I still go to bed every night hoping that the next morning will be the morning I can get out of bed and throw on my running shoes without a care in the world, but it hasn’t happened yet. I get so upset because something I wouldn’t have found hard before that I took for granted and I didn’t do when I should have has now become a massive challenge for me. I think about walking to and from work but I know that by the time I got there I’d be too tired to think properly and by the time I got home I’d have to go straight to bed; I enjoy my nights after work catching up with my sister about how our days have gone and having some bonding time and I don’t want to give that up because I have to sleep.

Right now I feel like I am up against a brick wall and I don’t know what to do. I can’t stay so unhappy with the way I feel about my weight because it is detrimental to my mental health and it will impact on everything around me including my relationships with those close to me. I need to do something but as of yet I’m not sure what that is, I can’t work it out.  I should love myself no matter what my shape is, I know that but I just can’t at the moment.  What is happening to me is so rapid, I gained 4 pounds in the last 2 weeks, and if I keep going at this pace then I will be overweight in no time. It has to stop now.  But I am struggling, a lot.

I know for a fact there will be people reading this in disgust, some who just disagree with what I am saying or some people who are bigger than me and think I’m being ridiculous. I am fully aware that there are many people with more weight to lose than me. But why is it so ridiculous that I want to stop my rapid weight gain before it goes too far? Why is it ridiculous that I feel more comfortable in myself when my thighs aren’t like wobbling plates of jelly or my belly doesn’t have multiple rolls? Some people love who they are and are happy at a bigger size and that is their prerogative; I am truly happy for them. But isn’t it my prerogative to feel happier when I’m not gaining at least two pounds a week and I’m at a comfortable, stable weight?

I have had people come to me about my blog and about how it has helped them come to terms with their own depression but now I have to ask a favour in return; I need suggestions, I need your own experiences, I need someone to tell me what to do.  I’m eating right but I’m struggling to exercise, every extra pound on my body feels like I have let myself down and I can’t take it anymore. So if anyone has anything they can offer me, perhaps something you have done for yourself, then please share it with me.  I have come so far in my journey to recovery and I refuse to slip backwards because my medication or my metal health is making me physically bigger. But I have absolutely no idea what to do, I need help. So please when you read this, don’t judge me. Just help me if you can because that is all I am asking for.

*PS – I am having money troubles at the moment so paying for a personal trainer or gym membership is not an option.  I have £14 spare a week which pays for my bus pass. I’m not a negative nelly who refuses any suggestions of help with a ‘but… but… but…’ reply to ideas, I just have to be realistic.*

My body confidence; how I honestly feel.

I’ve been struggling to know what to write lately, every time I’ve started something I’ve given up before I finished because what I was writing felt fake, like I wasn’t really behind it or believing what I was writing. I’m not being 100% honest with the things I am writing and I promised myself that what I wrote would be truthful, it would be how I really felt.

I’ve been trying to encourage people to be body confident, to love what they were born with and to accept anything they’re not able to change about themselves. We need to stop comparing ourselves to celebrities in the media, to photographs that have probably been re-touched beyond recognition and measuring ourselves against an unrealistic ideal. Of course I still stand by those values, we really should accept the things that can’t be changed because what it the point in beating ourselves up over them? I’m not talking about getting plastic surgery here, either. I mean things we can change naturally or with non invasive procedures like our weight or hair style.

I believe everyone should be proud of their bodies, they work so hard without us even realising to keep us living and we often take for granted what we have.  If you’re a size 4 or 24 and you love your figure then congratulations to you, you’ve managed to do what a lot of people can’t even imagine. But me? Well, I’m finding it a little difficult.

Before I had to go off sick I worked full time and my job involved a lot of heavy lifting. Other than eating well, I really didn’t have to do a great deal to keep in shape.  I walked at least an hour a day to and from train stations which kept my lower half in shape and working deliveries every day, thinking nothing of lugging cases and cases of 6x2litre bottles around, made sure my upper body stayed trim and toned. Unfortunately at the time I was slipping deeper into a depression and I didn’t appreciate what I had, the fact that I could eat what I wanted and not have to actively go out of my way to exercise didn’t mean much. The job was sometimes very difficult and as I became more stressed I was struggling to sleep and to eat and it became impossible to do, I didn’t have any energy and daily I would have a 50 minute nap on my lunch break. I couldn’t keep my eyes open, let alone work to the standards I was supposed to.  I’d have the odd day where I’d look at myself and see the weight I’d lost, sometimes I’d judge myself for not having a toned stomach but mostly I didn’t even care. I didn’t have the energy for day to day life, let alone to sit and poke holes in my appearance. If I was at home then I didn’t do much else other than sleep. I was insecure about absolutely everything anyway so there was no point in looking at what I would change when I didn’t want to be myself anymore.

Thankfully I don’t feel that way now and honestly, there isn’t anything about myself that I would change massively.  I’d love to be able to take myself as I am, to have another cake and think nothing of how the weight will sit on my hips but I just can’t.  I no longer have the daily workouts I was having and after putting back on the weight I lost, I put on a little extra. ‘You don’t look like you’ve gained anything’ ‘4 pounds? That’s nothing.’ I know, everyone thinks I’m crazy but actually to me, 4 pounds is something.  It is weight I didn’t need to gain, it is a show of how lazy and inactive I’ve let myself become, how much extra food I’ve put into my mouth when I didn’t need to.  I have a big appetite and I could eat burgers, donuts and chocolate every single day and apparently, I let myself do that for a little too long during my recovery. This isn’t any form of trying to gain control when I can’t control anything else – I’m aware those of you who know anything about psychology would say – I have a lot of control over my life and I just want to feel better about myself. If someone is allowed to love themselves with curves then I am allowed to love myself with more tone and less body fat, I think that’s only fair. I miss my toned legs and the muscles that used to show in my arms a little, I miss looking strong and fit. I don’t want to be an anorexic Annie, I don’t want to be anything I can’t be without being healthy and I think if people want to get mad at me for trying to get in shape then that is their issue, not mine. I love food and I could never starve myself purposely, it isn’t in my nature. I have a healthy outlook to how I am going to get in shape and those who snarl at me because I’m having a chicken salad rather than the burger you’re having, I say that’s more to do with how you feel about yourself than your dislike to my meal. (This happened a lot when I was much slimmer. Yes, really.)

In my last blog about body confidence I listed 10 things I like about myself and they still stand true, at the end of the day if someone said that I couldn’t change a thing about myself then I would be ok with that, I would accept what I have. However, I can change it so I will do.

I’ve been eating very well for a few weeks now, I do have the odd crème egg (or whatever else I can dig out of the cupboard) but I believe having what you want in moderation is the healthiest way to be. If I deny myself something then I’m going to binge on it later on, it’s just how I work; I have no self control. I’ve been making sure I drink enough fluids, I take my vitamins every day and I’ve cut out bread because I know it doesn’t agree with me. So you can see my frustration when 20 days later I stepped on the scale and… nothing. Not a single change, even down to the ¾ of a pound.  I can’t tell you how defeated I felt when I saw that, how disappointed I was that I have tried so hard to eat well and it has made no difference whatsoever, that I could have had those extra treats that I have denied myself because it really wouldn’t have mattered, my hard work led to nothing anyway. But I won’t let myself be defeated, not this time. I am more determined than ever to achieve my goal and It’s going to take a lot of hard work but I’ll get there.

While I was happy to love myself when I thought it would be easy to change the things I wasn’t so in love with I’m finding it very hard when I’m stuck in a place that makes me unhappy. Healthy eating gets really boring sometimes and I’m ready to throw in the towel, to order a pizza and have a whole tub of ice cream after. But I have to accept that I got myself into this position and I will have to get myself out.

One day I’m sure I’ll be able to get myself into the position where I can truly be proud of my body and honestly I’m not that far off. I’m just finding it difficult at the moment that I am no longer simply able to  change what I eat and see a difference, it’s going to take more. The thing I have been missing is glaringly obvious; it’s exercise. I don’t get the daily workout I used to and it really shows in the lack of tone in my legs and the extra bulging of my stomach but the only thing I can do is stop getting mad and disheartened and take action, I need to get moving.

I am a terribly lazy person and if I don’t have to exercise, I won’t. I’m that person who will look for any excuse to stay on the couch ‘It’s cold out.’ ‘My nose is blocked and I can’t breath properly.’ ‘I’m tired from work.’ But I don’t have the same physical, daily routine I had before and getting off the couch and moving my lazy ass is going to be necessary in changing my body to the body I know I’ll be able to love.

I get incredibly tired all of the time, regardless of how much sleep I get after 2 hours of being awake I am ready to go back to bed. I wake up in the morning and I work out how long it is until I can sleep again, I have to nap every day. I take my vitamins and iron so I know I’m not aneamic. It is one of the common side effects of the medication I have recently started taking so I can only assume it’s something to do with that. My tiredness isn’t an excuse I’m making, I’m just pointing out that I am going to have to be that much harder on myself and I need to get into a routine and stick to it. I have always said if you are unhappy with something that is in your power to change then don’t sit around crying about it, change it! So I’m taking my own advice and I’m practicing what I preach. This is going to be one of the hardest challenges I have set for myself and I’m not even sure how I’m going to achieve it or if I’m ready to start but I’m sick of feeling unfit and this is the only way I’m going to feel better. It will be hard but I’m willing to put the effort in to make the end results worth it.

I will still encourage people to be body confident because there is nothing that can compare with confidence, regardless of your size or shape. Confidence is sexy and soon enough I’m sure I’ll have the confidence I need. I don’t want to say ‘screw it, I am who I am.’ Because I know I can be a better version of myself and I’m not willing to let the lazy part of me just accept something that I’m not happy with because I’d be lying to myself and I genuinely won’t ever be really happy.  I think I deserve to be happy, I’ve had enough misery in the past few years and if this is how I feel I am going to do it then that’s what I’ll do. So, if you see me having a salad for my lunch then please don’t say ‘Oh, someone’s on a diet’ or whatever other snarky comment you think is funny, please support me. I want to be healthy and I want to be happy, if eating well and exercising is how I’m going to do it then I will and I’ll need some support, I don’t think I can do this on my own. But I *can* do it, I have to. I want to love myself and with some hard work I’ll be able to, I’m sure of that.

Accepting My-Selfie: Part Five.

I’m struggling to know what to write this week in regards to this project; My week hasn’t been bad in any way I can think of and although this is a good thing, sometimes having a bad week makes me more in touch with my emotions and my writing seems to flow easier. It’s definitely a good thing that I have had a good week, it’s been a while since I’ve gone a whole seven days without having a bit of a low day, but it’s left me here; a bit empty and struggling with writers block.

I have to admit, I’m getting a little bored just taking my picture everyday. Sometimes there really is nothing to say, no reason behind the picture, no deep meaning. Sometimes I just take it for taking its sake but then again isn’t that why I started doing it in the first place? It took a mere two weeks of me not taking one for me to start to get uncomfortable with seeing myself and I don’t want to start slipping again. It may seem dull just seeing my face constantly but it obviously helps me. I’m trying to think of a way to freshen things up, to add something new to it but I am yet to have any ideas. Feel free to give me your suggestions, I’d love to hear them and incorporate them.  There has so be something better than me standing with the camera at arms length and deciding which face I’m going to pull that day, surely?

Something I have noticed while uploading my pictures for this post is that I’m not wearing makeup on  four of them, something that I didn’t do as a conscious decision I just noticed it whilst scrolling through. I couldn’t give you a reason as to why this has happened but I’m not going to question it, I’ll accept it as a good sign that I’m getting more comfortable without my makeup.  I’ve been sticking to a very regimented skin care routine morning and night; exfoliate, cleanse, tone, moisturise. It’s only been for the past week or so but already I can tell a difference, I’ve been out of the flat twice without foundation including my first day back at work; this would have been unthinkable not so long ago!

I thought before I started to write that I hadn’t achieved anything this week but actually I have, I just hadn’t noticed until now. I think that taking the makeup free pictures subconsciously says more than if I had done them knowingly, with a purpose. I just did them, I didn’t even think about my naked skin when I took them and I only discovered now that I had done it. I have to say, I’m pretty proud of that. It’s a tiny step but it’s a tiny step in the right direction, from here I can only carry on moving forwards.

Tuesday

I was still tired from a heavy weekend so I stayed in bed all day watching DVD’s and writing. I tend to get exhausted when I have things to do on a few consecutive days, it’s just how my body works for now, but I’m going to need to get back into a routine now if I’m going back to work.

Wednesday

It looks like I had another lazy day here (what, me?) but I have no memory of Wednesday. I’m not sure if I should be worried about that.

Thursday

I don’t even remember Thursday, as I don’t remember a lot of the week. I was so exhausted, I spent too much time watching wrestling the weekend before and I barely sleep as it is so I was paying for it all week,

Friday

My hippo is something I’ve had for my whole life and I love him dearly. He doesn’t have a name, he’s just hippo. I thought he might like to get in on the picture, make it a bit more exciting.

Saturday

Hugo hates me taking his picture but I’m persistent. He refuses to look at the camera. I think he hates me.

Sunday

What is the point in having a boyfriend if he doesn’t have hoodies for you to steal? Am I right? I love how clear my skin looks here, makeup free!

Monday

This was my first day back at work after a long time off sick. I wasn’t nervous at the prospect of starting again even though I was starting in a new store. I knew it would be ok and it was.This was when I braved not wearing foundation (don’t get me wrong, I still wore concealer, powder, blusher and mascara) because I figured the people I was meeting had no pre-conceptions of me, they didn’t know what to expect. I’m a different person than I was six months ago and I’m going to take this into the new store with me.